ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
You Might Also Like
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp