Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!