Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.