I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.