My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
the #horror is real!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.