[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Cucumbers Anonymous
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.