Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
You Might Also Like
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.