Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?