saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
This guy gets it.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
set yourself free xox
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it