12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Yup!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally