Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
You Might Also Like
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Cndnsd Mlk
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*