Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday