I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*offers Batman cough drops*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting