“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.