Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away