“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”