It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Sorry not sorry.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
fair
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
lmao
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.