Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy