If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.