her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous