When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Does beer think about me too?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.