Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
What an awful time to have common sense.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”