My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
No, he would not have.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
This kid is going places
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol