robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.