People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
is this meant to deter me
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now