[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Employees must applaud the planets.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.