When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You Might Also Like
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.