her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles