Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Just had my nails done!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…