The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head