The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”