Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Breaking news:
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Nice try, NASA
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.