I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Perfect.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.