Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I think my mom just blocked me
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.