When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.