Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Passwords are more important than ever.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.