Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.