Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.