What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You Might Also Like
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now