It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
those birds must be on payroll
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.