Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
You Might Also Like
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here