Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
OKAY DAD
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*