Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
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I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
birds and squirrels envy us
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.