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Stop it! 😂
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us