Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
How did we not see this back then?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.