HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
giddy up Office Depot
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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