I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Found the job I’m suited for
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”