Um … Hot Wings please
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
December birthdays be like…
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.