The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
You Might Also Like
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!