Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
You Might Also Like
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
These are too funny not to post 😂
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
cry laughing at this shit
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’